I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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