Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
