Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
