i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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