forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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