tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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