***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
