A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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