I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
