Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
