I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
