apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
