i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
