I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize