The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
