fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
