I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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