Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
