Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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