sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
