Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
