she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
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Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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