got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
