Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
