He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
