Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
