Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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