i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
