If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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