Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
