Already got asked if we're dating
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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