I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
