My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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