I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
