just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
