He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
