Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
