We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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