We need to rekindle our bromance
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
