fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
