Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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