i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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