Texts From Last Night

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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.

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  (417): Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass. http://tfl.nu/mz6y
  Replies (8) Good night (1074) Bad night (2343)
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  (+82): View more from

  I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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  (+82): I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes. http://tfl.nu/b0wk
  Replies (24) Good night (1125) Bad night (7577)
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  (718): View more from New York

  The gym has a pool

  (914): View more from New York

  my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

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  (718): The gym has a pool (914): my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high" http://tfl.nu/pnez
  Replies (4) Good night (3344) Bad night (1050)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You threw up with your ski mask on still.

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  (410): You threw up with your ski mask on still. http://tfl.nu/wyp5
  Replies (8) Good night (680) Bad night (2348)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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  (734): I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover http://tfl.nu/93w3
  Replies (1) Good night (1289) Bad night (604)
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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  (229): Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it .. http://tfl.nu/xli3
  Replies (11) Good night (3030) Bad night (845)
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I care about my drink far more than her feelings

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  (507): I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink (815): I care about my drink far more than her feelings http://tfl.nu/v6if
  Replies (3) Good night (1704) Bad night (534)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"

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  (502): Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights" http://tfl.nu/0e71
  Replies (1) Good night (929) Bad night (522)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.

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  (503): You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure. http://tfl.nu/1pyv
  Replies (2) Good night (842) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.

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  (803): We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/8q5m
  Replies (2) Good night (394) Bad night (943)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.

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  (+61): I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes. http://tfl.nu/bcwt
  Replies (3) Good night (424) Bad night (761)
• Favorite

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger

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  (980): But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger http://tfl.nu/iewj
  Replies (1) Good night (672) Bad night (325)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby

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  (918): You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby http://tfl.nu/ovv1
  Replies (3) Good night (318) Bad night (261)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.

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  (402): I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that. http://tfl.nu/8nt2
  Replies (3) Good night (301) Bad night (524)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?

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  (208): I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right? http://tfl.nu/t0uj
  Replies (3) Good night (466) Bad night (188)

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