The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
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Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
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i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?