I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?