Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
