Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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