i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I understand Curling. That high.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
