She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
