my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
