I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
