i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
