The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
