Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
