Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
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I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.