Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK