For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment