He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
