Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
try to milk me bitch
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
