I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
