you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
