Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
